FOUR ONE ONE

What follows is a transcript of an actual telephone call which took place on Saturday, February 11, 2017:

OPERATOR: AT&T directory assistance. Your AT&T account will only be charged when a listing is provided. Say a city and state like Atlanta, Georgia. You can also say search by phone number.

CALLER: Harbor Springs, Michigan.

OPERATOR: OK, say the name of the business you want. If you don’t know the name of the business, tell me the type of business you are looking for.

CALLER: Residence.

OPERATOR: OK, residence. Say just the person’s first and last name.

CALLER: Joel Dyksterhouse.

OPERATOR: OK, say the name of the business you want. If you don’t know the name of the business, tell me the type of business you are looking for.

CALLER: Residence.

OPERATOR: OK, residence. Say just the person’s first and last name.

CALLER: Joel Dyksterhouse.

OPERATOR: OK, say the name of the business you want. If you don’t know the name of the business, tell me the type of business you are looking for.

CALLER: Residence.

OPERATOR: OK, residence. Say just the person’s first and last name.

CALLER: Joel Dyksterhouse.

OPERATOR: Thank you for calling Directory Assistance. I’m sorry that we were unable to find what you are looking for. If you would another listing, say get another listing.

CALLER: Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

OERATOR: I’m sorry, we are unable to find what you are looking for. If you would like another listing, say get another listing,

CALLER: Get another listing,

OPERATOR: OK, say the name of the business you want. If you don’t know the name of the business, tell me the type of business you are looking for.

CALLER: Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha.

OPERATOR: I’m sorry. I am not finding Ha, Ha, Ha, Ha in Harbor Springs, Michigan.

By then, I was not surprised that the operator could find no humor in Harbor Springs, Michigan. Indeed, I was convinced that she could not find her derriere with both hands.

The answering machine civilization has spawned some interesting reactions. My friend Jim Maiolo used to have a recorded message which just said, “Hello…Hello…Hello. This gahdam telephone.” Then it hung up. Handled robo solicitations really well, but didn’t amuse the Pastor.

Another result of pervasive recorded messages is the rise of BPO – business process outsourcing. You’ve heard the ads from companies who will rent you a real human being to answer the phone.

I decided to do some research. Our local phone company, Charter Communications, still has a real human being on hand to help if the recording doesn’t fulfill your needs.

I was curious and called the local 411 to find out if those human beings are employees of Charter or if they are evidence of BPO – Business Process Outsourcing.

The operator sent me to her supervisor, who transferred me to her superior, who told me I would have to talk to the business office, to which she transferred me. The business office telephone was answered by a recording. Press one if you are interested in purchasing television service. Press two if you are calling about internet service. Press three if you wish to report an outage.

We have become a nation of sheep. We can do only what programmers expect us to do.

I just finished reading George Orwell’s 1949 novel, Nineteen Eighty Four. It  describes in chilling detail the lives of a programmed people. It has taken more than twice as long as Orwell predicted, but Big Brother is among us.

Listen carefully, as our options have changed. So have yours. Dial one for English.